the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
