I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
