On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
