Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
