i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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