one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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