you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
