Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
