You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
