Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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