im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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