Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
