I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
