I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
