The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
