no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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