I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
