i think my tv is drunk
what day is it and did you see me today?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
