Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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