Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
