Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
