wakey wakey hands off snakey
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
