I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
