he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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