I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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