people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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