How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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