I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
