there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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