well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
