i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
