Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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