i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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