next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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