I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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