I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
