the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
