i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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