fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
