guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Damn victory sex feels great
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
