She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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