i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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