i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
