party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
