we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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