Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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