Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
