You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
