dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
