i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
